please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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