Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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