we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
