You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
