my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
