I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
