I feel like abortions should bother me more
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
