I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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