i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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