I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I love you. Go after that dick
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