I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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