hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Randomize
