I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
