I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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