I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
