you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize