how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
