When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
