I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i think i have herpe
just one?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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