I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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