Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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