I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
she pinky promised me she was 18
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
