I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to