You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.