I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?