theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
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two words: eviction party
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
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I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City