The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I should be sponsored by Trojan
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.