dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
