i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
