..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
