dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You made out with two different species that night
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
