i jhust puked up my retainher.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
