My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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