There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
