Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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