Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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