he shaved USA in his pubs
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
