hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
