Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
