Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
