My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
