The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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