Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I still have a little drunk in my system
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
