I wish I only lived at night.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
We were destined to go to rehab together
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
