you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The best revenge is premature balding
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
