Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
