We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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