sorry about calling you the devil all night.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
