We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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