i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
