I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
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I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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