Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
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Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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