i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
being pregnant is like rehab
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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