i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
