Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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