Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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